Enter the Slide Show! | Back to the PutterpageEverything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Will RogersPROLOGUE: Saturday, November 27, 1999, Noonish... I punched the gas pedal hoping to escape the nauseating smell seeping forth from behind me, its sickeningly sweet smell wrapping around my face like the tendrils of some carnivorous plant, working its way up my nostrils and pulling me into the foray taking place in the car seat behind me, my cerebrum under attack from the stench, eyes watering, scanning the signs for a good place to get off the freeway to find help - we needed help.
"How long does it take to find an exit!" the beautiful Wendy roared from her post poised before Jonah in an attempt not quite to staunch the flow of vomit but maybe to direct it to a more convenient location like the waiting mouth of the diaper bag I was later to nap on...
DISNEY WORLD III: THE KINGDOM'S REVENGE!
Maybe we tempted fate too long, maybe we asked God for more patience, maybe it was just our turn to get the short straw, maybe in the great Disney scheme of things it's not the safe arrival at Main Street USA but more the long, anxious waiting period that secures a successful trip. Maybe, a dream is a wish your heart makes but only if you dream it for a long time. We only decided to visit last Saturday, what should we have expected?
Before I wax too poetic, let me introduce you to a new Disney Character that we discovered on this trip. This character hasn't been in any of the movies so don't be looking for a T-shirt, mug, pencil, stuffed animal, porcelain figurine, watch, sweatshirt, keychain, soap, underwear or jammies with his picture on it and surely don't expect to get your name imprinted on a hat featuring his likeness. And you won't be found standing in line for a ride at the parks featuring his animatronic likeness preparing to put yourself in some precarious situation... His name is the (*&$# Fairy (you supply the name - I'm thinking "gotcha"). Think of a short, fat, roly poly beast with big round ears, buggy eyes, spiky hair, tiny arms with spiky fingers, short legs, big teeth and horrible breath.
You'll find him in all of the lands of the Magic Kingdom, and at all the parks in the World. Beware! Once you see him, you'll also see the places of the park you don't want to see: peeling paint, gum on the sidewalk, odeur de horse manure emanating from the sewer grate you sat upon to watch a parade; the patina a place gets when its welcomed 500 million guests. Its like going to a movie and seeing the "change reel" symbols for the very first time and never not being able to see another movie without noticing them again (sorry if this is new to you - BTW, there is no Santa either). But I digress... You can't really see the (*&$# fairy though, you just know he's there - on the periphery of your vision - in that place that could either be next week's eye infection or a tiny piece of cat hair floating across your cornea. You're more likely to find him looking over your shoulder while talking to the nurse at first aid, arguing with the lady at the check out desk or the hotel manager at the end of your trip, and peculiarly enough in restaurants for some reason. I was singularly amazed that the Masters at Disney were able to send him home with us in the car (this bit of imagineering I will always have a reminder of...).
Now the artists at Disney are masters at making unloveable looking creatures cute but they just didn't succeed with the (*&$# Fairy. And why they conceptualized such a nasty villian I'll never know. Decide for yourself whether characters are alive at conception or after a successful box office run, but I fully believe that one slow day at Disney, an artist cautiously offered the sketch of the (*&$# Fairy to his boss along with a not-so-pixieish storyline and was seen moments later running screaming from the aforementioned bosses' office spilling coffee over some priceless early sketches of Mickey Mouse and thus begetting a career of tarnishing all things Mickey that yet exists to this day*.
But let me tell you about our trip:
On the eve of Disney we lucked out on a cheap room at the Caribbean Beach resort.
We were never able to get a room for Tuesday booked in the park so we decided we would stop at Ocala, FL and drive in the next morning. But we decided to stop at the official Disney Welcome center in Ocala and see if there was a last minute cancellation (but they were closed, so we called). The nice lady on the phone couldn't get us in there but she could get us into the All Star Music (a cheaper rate and about the same as we would have ended up with in Ocala). We took the reservation and drove into Orlando specifically the All Star Music. After waiting in line for half an hour we got up to the front desk and were told that they were down a room and that they booked us into the Caribbean at the room rate that we would have paid at the All Star. Cool!!! So an hour later we were in our room at the Caribbean. Ready to go and settled in.
On the First day of Disney we visited MGM...
Tip: never split up. Nuff said.
So we saw some sites and Jonah got to see Pluto (or "Pluplo" given his excitement level) and Goofy ("Gawrsh"). Both these guys got huge hugs and kisses from the admiring Jonah and Sam got in on the action too. Without being trite, you just can't help but get weepy watching your kids meet these characters. In fact, this to me is why you bring little kids to Disney. And then you should bring a babysitter...
This is about when we realized that Jonah just wasn't himself. In fact, occupying the stroller was the whiny kid that shows up when Jonah's overtired or just plain sick. And the whiny kid wasn't who we wanted to bring to Disney with us... So we carried him when he wanted carried and babied him when he needed it and so forth and so on. He wasn't eating so we gave him what he wanted. Can you see it coming yet? While waiting in line for our reservation at the Prime Time Cafe Jonah ate some ice cream and played in puddles from a recent rain. A good combination, don't you think? Okay, this is about when weak stomached readers should skip a couple paragraphs. Jonah really liked the chocolate milk we got him and sucked much of it down while coloring and playing with the viewmaster on the table that shows the desert menu (isn't that neat?). We had just received our food from David, our red haired waiter. I put about 4 bites of it down when Jonah, standing next to the chair on my left, began crying, for no apparent reason. NOTE: This is a warning sign and a literary convention that I may use later in chapter 4. Please pay attention!
Let's digress a moment: You know what happens when you ignore warnings? Something always happens. I'm not talking Tornado warnings, just simple warnings like, "you best bring an umbrella", "buy traveller's checks" or "don't run by the pool". And in your head you make that conscious decision to ignore your normally conservative decision making authority (think Professor from Gilligan's Island) and go by your gut (think Gilligan). Somewhere the (*&$# Fairy was in alarm Master control setting off Klaxxons and warning lights alerting us to the mischief he had mustered... And somewhere, deep in that place responsible for giving us the get-up-and-go needed to address our common gastronomical enemy, our minds were arguing with our adrenaline administrators yelling "Stop, this has to be a false alarm, this is the happiest place on earth, there's no room for vomit here!"
And then Jonah threw up.
The crying was the signal, we had seen it before.
He threw up on himself, the floor and the chair. And then he did it again for good measure. So Wendy gets up and grabs David (remember the red haired waiter) and tells him we need some help. He says turning around, "let me get this table and ..." Wendy stopped him saying, "No, we need serious help." And then he saw it, and me and started in on the, "do you want me to call some medical help or go to first aid or?..." Wendy says something like "something to clean this up would be nice..." David was cool. He quickly closed his station, moved out his other customers and walked us personally to the first aid station to make sure we were okay. I am writing a letter to Disney about how cool he was and I should have tipped him more. Sorry about that David.
Thus ended Day one of the trip.
On the Second day of Disney we visited Animal Kingdom and Epcot...
The whiny kid took Jonah's place for some of the day but Jonah had more fun than he would let on to. He retained his stomach contents thankfully and we almost escaped with a nice day at the park.
You noticed the almost in the paragraph didn't you? By now you might be thinking, "why would he go to all the trouble of writing this to us?" when you should be thinking, "Oh man, I am feeling bad for them!" Come now, this is classic stuff!
It was Sam's place in the sun. We stopped into the Tucker House in the Africa section of Animal Kingdom - a restaurant. Note: based on our experiences on this trip we would have to post the following: TIP: AVOID RESTAURANTS! Things were going swell until Wendy said one of her patented, "Oh's" and lifted up Sam's leg to show me some nastiness that to me looked like more vomit - with Sam I can handle a bit o' the nasty because, well, he pukes all the time. But it could have been 120 decibels constant in that room and Wendy could have whispered what she next said and I still would have figured it out because it ain't hard to comprehend "It's Poop" by reading lips (stop for a minute and try this with a friend or spouse - it works). But it wasn't loud, it was somwhat calm and quiet and clear as a bell I heard "It's poop" from Wendy and I immediately said, "we gotta get him outta here!". So off Wendy wheeled Sam...
Now I started feeling bad because there I was for the next few minutes drinking coffee and keeping up with Jonah while Wendy dealt with the crisis du jour. And then I remembered that I was the one with the ice cream and chocolate milk on my shoes from the day before and I settled back in for the wait. After about 20 minutes or more Wendy finally appeared with some of the substance that was previously under the leg of Sam plastered across both of the arms of her Mickey T-shirt and I knew, using my keen observational skills, that this couldn't be good.
From what I can gather from taking Wendy's first hand account, Sam decided to start a Battle Royale Cage match in the baby changing station of the lady's room and upon the final bell it was covered with the substance, along with a pile of nasty towels and an outfit that we did not want to throw for sentimental reasons. After she got Sam cleaned up she didn't have anyplace to put him as the station was a mess and at that point the stroller was still a mess. So I can just imagine what it was like (there should be simulators in baby changing classes that allow you to work various scenarios for such an occasion). Further complicating the issue was the use of the futuristic sensor faucets used everywhere at WDW. The small, short stream of water wasn't conducive to pushing large amounts of Sam Goop down the drain. The (*&$# Fairy was having another field day with us.
When Wendy returned to the table and told me the whole story I was both in awe of her stamina and terrified that this would one day happen to me. So I told her to go buy herself a happy anywhere in any park at any price. I can't imagine me doing this alone.
After a short nap on our room, we rushed to Epcot by 6PM to see a tree lighting that didn't take place and the one ride that we wanted to go on had posted a 90 minute wait but was actually out of service and fast passes had been issued through noon or one of the following day. Kind of a bust if you ask me. Headed back to MGM for dinner at the Sci Fi restaurant and later to the resort for a dip in the pool.
So Rob tells me that the pool water is warm and I take Jonah for a swim. By the time Jonah and I get there, Rob is already in the pool with Danny. We dump our stuff in a chair and head to the side of the pool. I don't usually jump in a pool. I slip in slowly to give myself more time to complain about how cold the water is and why I'm doing this when I could be in my room watching one of the 5 Disney related channels piped into our TV from under the sheets of my warm bed. I, of course, forgot to tell Jonah of my plan. So I go into my routine, dip my toe in the water, start a nasty comment to Rob... and Jonah jumps into 5 feet of water. He can't swim. So I jumped in (quickly I might add) and pulled the little flounder back into the relatively air filled section over the surface of the pool as opposed to where he was which was under the surface of the water which while interesting from the point of view of a 3 year old is slightly less conducive for supporting life. So my chest is heaving because the water is cold and my heart is beating because, well, my son just jumped into the pool and I'm standing now in this cold pool thinking my bed is a better place to be. We swam a bit and headed back.
I swear on the way back to the room, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that *)^) little Fairy dancing on the shore of the lagoon, rubbing his hands together and laughing gleefully at his tricks. But it might have been a duck.
On the third day of Disney we visited the Magic Kingdom.
All right, call it sentimental but I like to go to TMK on the first day of my trip so its starts out with a big view of the castle and we can take the obligatory picture and start out on the right foot - not following this procedure had no effect on the eventual outcomes of the trip but mentally it would have been a better plan. But, we went to WDW to see Rob and Kath and Christmas decorations and they were not to be up until after Thanksgiving thus necessitating our wait for Main Street USA.
It started out great but we quickly noticed that the whiny kid was in the stroller on several occasions. We persevered for a while and punted about noon or so for a nap in the hotel room.
Rob and Kath called at their appointed hour with a (*&$# fairy story of their own and we agreed to meet at Walt and Mickey to find spots for the Electric Light parade. We had great seats for the parade but Rob had a grate seat meaning he was sitting over the sewer grate near the main horse stand in front of the castle. Believe me that we were dealing with it as well but at least our eyes weren't watering. Some evil substance seaped into my sitting area at this point and for the rest of the night I felt like some nasty grossness was chasing me. The smell was evil.
I forgot to remind you to be polite. During our hour or so wait for the electric light parade I got hungry and headed for a burger. I don't want to explain how Disney does food lines here but suffice it to say that I walked up and offered to allow some people to get in line before me that were there ahead of me. And another lady just walked up right in front of my outstretched Vanna like hand and stepped in line as well from behind me. And then wouldn't look at me like she knew what she had done and was happy to do it. This was not the first nor the last time I saw this type of behavior and I would categorize all the people that I saw do things like this as from New York. I probably don't remember all of the people that helped us on this trip, from the guys who helped us with our strollers on the buses to the lady that ran down Rob with his camera bag at TMK but I'll tell you this: I remember the nasty people that did me or some others wrong. Be polite and you won't be remembered. Isn't that truly a good thing?
By the way, had another of those special moments when both Pinocchio and Geppetto paid Jonah a special visit during the ELP and the big bear from Song of the South ( the Brer Rabbit story) did the same for Sam. Jonah loved this parade.
We visited Mickey, did some rides (including twice on the "rollerposter") and said goodbye to Disney - on reasonably good terms - or so we thought.
On the Fourth day of Disney we planned to shop and head home...but first we had to check out.
Started out the morning by having breakfast with Rob and Kath. Jonah ate a huge Mickey waffle with lots of Syrup and some lemonade. Then we headed to the "Customs House" to check out.
To make a long story short, after an hour and a half of complaining, elevating, making a scene and Jonah crying, Disney credited my card for $49.95 which was the amount they overcharged me for the first night of my stay in the hotel. By the end of the ordeal it wasn't even the money that was important to us, it was the point of the thing - and overcoming rudeness.
Wendy was our first salvo and returned to the car a half hour after heading in. Again using keen observational skills, I noticed upon her return something amiss when she plainly told me she was very, er... mad. So I headed in, grabbed a bellboy by the ear and got the manager, told her my story and then waited for a half hour with nothing so much as a "we're still working on it" or "hey, this is taking longer than we expected". So I grabbed Chris, the funny guy handing out coloring books to the kids in the lobby. And he asked a question that by now I was tired of, "what was the person's name that you talked to?"
So let that be a Disney tip for you. Should you have contact with a Disney employee, no matter how insignificant, you should write down their name because in the great Disney scheme of things it's the first name that matters - forget all the computers and training, its up to you to cover your tracks.
So there I was, pissed as all get out and I'm playing charades in the hotel lobby with Chris, the guy in the funny outfit, trying to figure out which of the, get this, 5 managers I could have been speaking to. But I must be good at the game because he came back a minute later to tell me that she was working the issue. Seconds later, he was heading back to the office to do what I asked him to do in the first place and the second round of "discussions" began upon Elizabeth's return. Wendy had joined the fray by now and together, along with a good cry by Jonah who was upset with his Daddy's cross words with this unknown stranger, we retrieved the credit. Like I told the lady, I was willing to let them tell me they would continue researching it if she would only have promised me some resolution within the next couple of days or so. I tried to be calm in the beginning and I was willing to let them sort out their internal issue but instead, she iced me for half an hour and I wanted to make a point.
So now we wanted to quickly stop at Downtown Disney for souvenirs at the shops there and then the long ride home. But our hearts weren't into waiting in lines to check out so we punted and headed for the car.
There's something sad when you pass through the gates of Disney world the wrong way. So it was in this depressed state that we entered the traffic Jam North on I4 out of the Disney property gates. And just about the time the traffic opened up, Jonah started crying for no apparent reason... and you should know by now that that can't be good.
I found myself minutes later standing before a sink and a mirror in one of the nastiest Shell gas station bathrooms I have ever visited washing out clothes and trying to figure out how we were to get home with a reeking car and a car seat doused in the waffle/syrup/lemonade mixture.
And we made do, and made it and got home safe and I am here writing this story trying to make light of the situation because truly that's all we can do.
Thus brought to close our most recent vacation to the Magic Kingdom. And I'd head back there in a heartbeat because the worst day at WDW is better than the best day at work. And remember, I didn't include all of the good, fun things that happened while we were there - for silliness sake I left them mostly out. It was fun to be there again with friends and that's all that mattered...
*That artist is now serving popcorn at a cart at MGM...ask Kathy.
